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Impressions50-41
50. Wow! Coming across your website made me suicidal. Not because there is a pre-existing mental illness, but because I cannot believe that such insanity exists. Schizophrenia is mild compared to what inflicts you. [writer's name and gender information not provided]
49. Oct. 23, '08 Dear Mr. Mahoney Thank you for sending me Schizophrenia: The Bearded Lady Disease. My youngest son was diagnosed at the age of 17 while living in the Wash., D.C. area. He spent time in most of the hospitals there, including St. Elizabeth's. He is 53 now and his medications are keeping him stable. In 1993 he fell from the 5th floor balcony of his father's apartment Since 1996 he has been here in Florida, living in assisted living facilities. I am able to take him to doctors' appointments, entertainment and meals out. Three times a week he goes to a social gathering place called [name deleted], where he meets with others with similar problems. He's been able to stay out of the hospital for a whole year now, thanks to a very supportive living arrangement at his present A.L.F. Very sincerely yours, [name deleted for privacy reasons]
48. Many thanks for forwarding this quote to me, Mike. [New Quotation/Comment 733, specifically - "And that fall, I met a girl called Monique. My heart was still in California, but I had a wonderful affair with Monique. She nursed me back to sexual health - you know, gave me my cock and balls back, and I am forever thankful to her. She took care of me."] The girl that moved in with me back in the early 80's was my saving grace. It was a much more 180 transformation for me. Within 4 or 5 days both the paranoia and delusions had subsided and I started sleeping normally. That was the turning point for me and the last episode that I had for 20 years. I also can identify with what he was stating about seeing certain sexual symbolism in certain things. I don't believe that I ever told you that I did go through another episode about a month after the 9/11 thing happened. It was real mild and maybe only lasted a couple of weeks with just a couple of nights being somewhat difficult. I guess because I was familiar with the symptoms I didn't end up too far out there. In fact the regular medical doctor that I was seeing at the time just thought I had a case of mild depression. I think that the fatigue that I was experiencing from the hepatitis C was sort of a blessing in disguise in that it helped me to get to sleep at night without having to take any medication or alcohol. Trying to teach school plus taking care of the kids and the house just started getting too much for me with the fatigue I was dealing with. After the 9/11 thing happened I started to think about how crazy religion can be. I remember watching a show on TV around that time about Afghanistan and the Taliban executing prostitutes and homosexuals and I remembered what this one psychiatrist at the detox ward told us, "Sometimes anger can be guilt turned outward." I thought to myself that is the exact reason why the Taliban & Islam were reacting like that. I was aware of my bi-sexual nature and peoples' bi-sexual nature in general at the time. The 9/11 thing brought things to the forefront again and I thought that maybe it was my purpose to make this knowledge known. That is why I like your book so much, Mike. Coming from me it is coming from a fool, but coming from you it is coming from a scholar. I hope the world is treating you well up there. Best, John [see also # 12]
47. Dear Mister Mahoney, I visited your site, via your ad in NYRofB. Being a psychotherapist & philosopher (in retirement, more or less) it drew my attention. Maybe it is of little interest to you but I would like to inform you about yet another source on the bearded lady phenomenon. Where I was born and lived most of my life (south of The Netherlands) there is a little known and rather obscure Catholic phenomenon known as "De Heilige Ontkommernis". It is found also in Amsterdam and in various German cities. The phenomenon consists of pictures and statues of a bearded woman on the Cross. The dutch phrase "De Heilige Ontkommernis" would translate in English as "Saint Uncumber". It sounds in English as strange as it does in Dutch, I guess. If you appreciate more info on the phenomenon and its sources (Wikipedia gives some info; try the entry "Wilgefortis"), don't hesitate to contact me. It would be my pleasure to go after it. Your website does a fine job, it reaches more readers than any book in the 21st century on the matter could hope to get. So, and again, I would be happy to track & deliver more info on the phenomenon if that would be of any help to you. I need no credits. Apart from that, I would be happy to find ways to spread the info on your website. Let me know. Cordiali saluti, Goff Smeets goffredofabbro@hotmail.it
46. Subject: book Sir, I have just read about the book Schizophrenia-The Bearded Lady Disease. My son was diagnosed with Schizophrenia more than 20 years ago. Along with being psychotic and other similar afflictions. He is now 49 years old. Last year he was hospitalized because of a diabetes problem. They put him in the mental ward of the hospital. While he was there he claimed a doctor offered him a shot to change him into a woman. He accepted this shot and went home and got rid of his clothes and bought women's clothing, make up, wigs,...the whole nine yards. He claims he started having monthly periods and milk coming from his breasts. Now he has officially changed his name to a feminine name and also changed his last name. I don't want to burden you with anymore details but what I'm wondering is whether or not it would do any good to hand him your book which I have not read myself yet. So far any conversation we have where I don't agree with him he gets very angry and upset. I'm trying not to write too much but wanted you to hear some of this and perhaps offer your two cents worth. Thank you. Mom, [name deleted for privacy reasons]
45. Hi friends, I recently made an amazing acquaintance with an author who has done the most interesting book on "Madness" I've come across. And as you know my wife's brother committed suicide on Xmas day so this is serious business. He has written a book "Schizophrenia: The Bearded Lady Disease" by J. Michael Mahoney....His book triggered off some amazing dreams from me and released some deep psychic knots so we have been e-mailing ....I've suggested that he see your Art as I think all of you have gone through the madness and come out the other side. I suggested that Art is the way to transcend ....I would like to have him contact your websites....I'm not sure that I have your art web sites....so could you please send them to me. Also I would like Mati's web site and any information on Vali the wild woman....I had a video about her....I think Bob gave it to me....can't remember...But basically J. Michael Mahoney is interested in the whole issue of gender and schizophrenia which his book really makes the case that many people succumb to terrible madness and suffering in their inability to deal with it. Please let me know if you are interested. [name deleted for privacy reasons]
44. Subject: your book A note to tell you I received your book and it is quite amazing to me on many levels. One the obvious is the way that you and I have used quotes to learn and to teach. The book also has been upsetting in several ways. I had long ago not only dismissed Freud and gone for Jung ...but I had actually become an enemy of Freud (see my quotes under "Freud") I wanted to put as many nails into his coffin as possible. I receive angry letters sometimes about my collection of Freud quotes....and I always surmise that the writers are Jewish...and it remains an intellectual mystery to me why the great Jewish intellectuals place him so high...Harold Bloom whom I read and respect very much has him up above Jesus and Mohammad....It has always mystified me why this is so. But, your book has opened up for me (in my dreams) that Freud is on to something. In fact my dreams had anticipated the arrival of your book. After years of not really dreaming, I had a dream recently where a "rose colored ethereal female" almost made of "smoke" came out of my breast where she had been face down...and took off like an astral projection out of me and then flipped over and "rose like a rocket" ....I was staying with friends who are very close to me (we have played in our own Trio for years)...So I mentioned the dream to them. The woman named "Nur" (meaning light) had owned a clothing store called the "Rose"....I didn't go for that connection and later recalled reading in Teddy Roosevelt's biography his statement about his career "I rose like a rocket"....I liked this one as I was having a once in a lifetime breakthrough in my own long dead career as an inventor and historian of inventions. At the time I was attending a TEsla Conference. I was experiencing a great many synchronicities for the first time in decades and it had brought me back to life and hope....So while driving to Colorado I was repeating to myself as an NLP statement "I rose like a rocket"......My friend - the male side of the couple named "Aaron" had said to me several times that I should have a grand piano (I have a synth ) and I thought about everything a grand piano means to me....the unattainble valuable Steinway Grand piano...which on a conscious level I don't ever expect to own. So Follow me here....In Aspen I go by intuition to the Aspen Music tent (where I have actually played) and where some of my most pleasant golden days have been spent lying on the grass outside with a picnic listening to classical music). Condoleeza Rice had just played their several days before...It is the focus of the rich and powerful...I go in the tent and there are 45 Steinway Grand Pianos on the Stage...as they are having an end of season sale. I then get several synchronicites ....The most famous piano tuner in the world is there and he had a lifetime of tuning the Steinway at Carnegie Hall. I had been a stage hand at Carnegie Hall, and told him about my playing his tuned pianos when no one was about...this immediately made him laugh and we were suddenly very friendly. All of my life I've been kind of a secret piano player...most of my friends do not know I play...and there is of course the thing of beautiful hands on the key boards...which I certainly used to have...Well then, unexpected to me, there was a young woman brought on stage who was Steinways newest pianist that had been most recently hired...the lights are dimmed and she flows out in a silky gauze "rose-coloured" dress...and she was most feminine and approached the piano like all great pianists by letting their hands float to the keys....I met her later and got an autographed CD of her music...I chatted her up and found that she lived in the same county as where I was born and on the way home while driving through this county I actually thought of looking her up (I'm a married man) My wife is a horsewoman with very manly hands....I was very stirred by this "rose lady" and her beautiful hands...I was actually wanting to meet her and some way continue to see her...I actually wanted to seduce her....she was the rose woman that flew up out of my chest....my "anima". I listened to her music all the way home. This incident caused me to come alive with sexual desire that I hadn't felt in years. Then the night before I returned home I have a dream that I'm looking in a mirror and my face is that of an Asian girl....In real life I have morning coffee regularly with a former Navy Top Gun Pilot (the epitome of masculinity) middle name of "Thor"....and he is always referring to Asian women as "little brown fucking machines" which grates on my nerves...but in the dream I'm carrying one of these beautiful Asian women up a stair case to an attic and I am anticipating hot sex with her and she says the same for me....Then another Asian woman comes in and drops one of my boots on the floor (other shoe will drop?) masculine boot? And for the first time in years I have felt very sexy (I'm 66). So I just wanted you to know what your book triggered off in me. Also I listed your book on scholarisland.org under "Psychology". What strange territory we humans occupy...I also thought of a friend of mine named [name deleted] who is also a very creative artist....writes, paints everything....He lives in a little town in New Mexico most of the year (He is Australian) He bought some land a few years ago and was with a beautiful woman and they were going to build a house together. Well she ran off. He built the house and built a room and closet for his feminine side whom he has named "Georgia" and everyday at evening time he changes into beautiful feminine clothes and becomes Georgia....He seems to be the most constantly creative and happy artist I have known....Maybe he has figured out how to work this all out. Maybe you should do a book on people that have somehow worked out this male/female problem in a healthy way...And I think that is what many artists are...instead of killing themselves over it...they simply turn it into a play and have fun with it....after all the entheogens...take you through this and then certainly beyond to a healing place where usually the "Christ" is seen as your real identiy an androgonous identity..."neither male nor female" and it all gets worked out...you might check the web sites of Robert Venosa and his wife Martina Hoffman who have obviously worked this out....google up these names and see their art...Fantastic is what it is....and she paints many paintings with her face and a mustache painted on....The other artist who did this in her life and art is "VAli" (now off the planet) She was the queen of the 50s and 60s avante garde...she went so far as to tatoo a mustache on her upper lip...There is an avante garde film about her that is quite amazing of how she lived...She had a harem of men and women too...she never wore shoes and had a powerful musk odor...And lived in a cave in Italy with dozens of animals...Another artist named Mati Abdul Klarwein who you can also find on the web (he has left the planet too) You will find lots of art where you can see artists working through in a playful way what others have lost all happiness like Zelda... Check this out...Your work would be complete if you could show how some artists use this struggle. I'm a fan of your book and think it is powerful and I like that you just use the quotes...You will see that my whole scholarisland.org has been my eduction. Very bizzare all of this....I have been quite shut down for decades and all this month has been an amazing awakening for me and your book certainly played some catalyst role. [name deleted for privacy reasons]
43. Dear J. Michael Mahoney, I am the grandmother of a 23 year old grandson who is going through a gender transition. He is taking female hormones to grow breasts and has decided to take medication for chemical castration as well. He says he has been under the care of two therapists and a psychiatrist(?). I am very concerned, and I don't know where to seek help. The reason I am so concerned is not because of the transition itself, but because of his behaviors. He has been carrying a kitchen knife (chef's knife) and says he wants to kill someone. I believe he was sexually molested by his stepfather as a child, and I know he was physically assaulted as well. He is saying he hates all men and wants them dead. He talks about drinking a certain man's blood and barbequeing his flesh to eat it. Mind you, he is a vegetarian. He talks to a voice or voices in his head, and believes that he and God speak on an everday basis. He makes strange noises as well. I want desperately to find the help he needs in a long term facility. He was hospitalized a few times, but was always discharged within a few days. Unfortunately, money is a factor. I am fearful he may carry out his threat(s) to do harm to someone. Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, [name deleted for privacy reasons]
42. Dear Sir, Frankly, I cannot comprehend how you arrive at this theory of yours, that schizophrenia is somehow connected with "unconscious bisexual conflict/gender confusion". I am very glad that the medical team at the hospital I stayed in eight years ago - who by the way helped me to stay symptom-free since then (despite that time being my third episode already) - was not acquainted with any of your obscure theories. I am sure that one might be able to incorporate gender confusion in their psychotic delusions, just as some incorporate religious experiences, etc. In the case of schizophrenia, the knowledge that a hormonal imbalance in the metabolism of the brain is the most critical precondition for the disease, has been around for some time. Let me tell you, I have no "bisexually confused" bone in my body, although I have been diagnosed with a schizo-affective disorder at the age of 21. And thank God for that. I would not want to be in a position where I would have to live a life of continuous inner turmoil with regards to my sexual self-conception. Best Regards,
41. Mike, Thanks for your help. I've done tons of research in the past few years and find the contradicting views of doctors on schizophrenia frightening. Many seem to have a schizophrenic view (repression and denial) of the role of homosexuality in schizophrenia. "A Beautiful Mind" is one example. After loading the book with many examples of Nash's repressed homosexuality the author denies that this played a factor in his illness! The film version ignored it altogether. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, which is why I commend you for compiling in one book all the quotes supporting this obvious theory. My harrowing first-hand experience only validates your compelling argument. A quote about alcohol making the patient aggressively homosexual and aggressively violent mirrors my experience exactly on a two day Russian train trip with my friend, who had previously never acted this way before. Schizophrenia is indeed a nightmare for all involved. While I ended up in a foreign emergency room with broken ribs, I am now healed but my friend is still not the person he was before the onset of his severe condition. Perhaps your book will help him. Thanks again. [Pls reference Impressions # 40.] |
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