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Impressions70-61
70. Also , [name deleted], you must be just about ready to need a doctor too , as since i went to your gouse in my nice black dress you have just never been the same . youhave lost it - you just cnnot accept me as i truly am . i really am a transexual , who has otherwise been s asaint , whou began to change without having done anything other than what i was told . i have an incurabe medical condtion which despite all objection will leave me either totally gay or a woman . i choose woman . because my pituitar no longer prodices androgen , because i have always been XX and it has alwas been a CLOSET THING - know what ? I cannot hide it anymore because my body is changing back to female all by itself . it happens to some XX ;'s at middle age ... triggered by medicine i took for mantal illness again ...incurabl and irreversible . testosterone makes me very very sick . it is all that has ever really been wrong with me . i have been poisoned by ny own twesticles every time i get exited , upset , or aroused ... i get sick ... i cant take testosterone nbecause i can prove even a tiny dose effects me like BAD METH ! i have to take hormones the rest of my life , just like diabetes and insulin EXEP that the INSULIN for my PITITARY is called :ESTRINOL" . which willmake my tits grow . i am going to be turned into a cow . it feels so good ! i like being a cow .. how now ? You have until this afternoon to settle or i go to an attorney monday. [ Written to an acquaintance by a middle-aged man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia - the "bearded lady" disease. Please also refer to Impressions # 69-65. ]
69. It looks like I've survived 3 murder attempts last week . Looks like I have lost every friend or family (atomic) I may have ever had . My TV / Computer now would seem to be stolen : They took 92 dollars out of my account , credited it to friends of thiers , repod it two weeks later , and are now billing me for two months - what's more , one of the employees there who was fired the first time was stalking me last friday . Had my birthday party Saturday , only a few neighbors showed up . [Name deleted] is having a show tomorrow : new material ; I'm praying my debit card gets credited back by then ... School is coming along surprisingly well , I get paid friday , again 3 weeks later , I will get by .... good things are coming in - they always do , this time of year : stocks looking to cross 10,000 this week . Worse for wear and tear but u should see the other guy ; [female name] [Posted on 9/28/09 by a middle-aged, paranoid schizophrenic man who has been driven mad by his severe bisexual conflict and gender confusion, and is now convinced he is a woman. Please also see Impressions # 68 - 65.]
68. i really am a double XX transvestite. i have known all my life , it had not meant much until 98 when i was tested in a biology class. i since then have studied psychology , social work , and womens studies. i minored in womens studies. i know all about it. a traditional tratment of painful surgeries , about a half million in cost , and 3 to 5 years of being a true fruit... for what ... good sex. gene therapy is different. XX transvestisicm is generally thought to be the product of a fetus being exposed to testosterone in the first trimester , but not always. the testosterone damages genes so the fetus develops male . there are often cases like myself of XX transvestites leading normal lives , or married with children , or like myself , not blossom at all until midlife. Now, i am a woman and i want to know love and life as a woman. i admit , i am attracted to women so you may as well know at this point i am not a gay man , not really even a repressed one. i am actually a lesbian. i am absolutely certain. FACT : i did not dream or fantasize about men , penetration , and affectations toward men until after i took the drug last may. at this point it may not be fair to say i am a lesbian , as i am moving toward Bisexual Woman. I want to experience love as a woman with men or women. At mental health they say that as long as i am taking my medicine , i am fine. That i should persue other interests as funding at mental health is for crisis people - medical emergencies. folks at mental health and school support my choice. it is not insanity. i am not a sodomite. i am actually going through severely stressful changes - for certain. as far as esh is concerned , i have evry right and reason to be hopping about on the rooftop ...and they are just fine with me. [An email to his mother from a paranoid schizophrenic man afflicted with severe bisexual conflict and gender confusion. Please refer also to Impressions 67, 66, and 65.]
67. On September 28, 2009 at 10:07pm, [deleted] wrote: Michael, I would like to have access to your website. Please tell me where to find it. You would probably be interested in one of the emails [name deleted] sent me where he says he started having menstrual periods and had blood in his "panties". I about died when I read that one! BTW, he told me he has only had sex three times and always with the same woman. I know the woman and she said they never had sex. It's all so confusing and so far you are the only person I've "talked" to in all these years who understands what it's all about. I'm planning to put all the email letters on a disk so they are never lost. Then maybe I can try to assemble it somehow. Many of the things he told me and I have no written proof of it but trust me, it's bizarre! I wish I could meet you. [Name deleted for privacy reasons - Please also refer to Impressions # 66 and # 65.]
66. Sent: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 10:00 AM The Lamotrigine incedent : I need to briefly cover an attempted poisoning of myself - MTF - which has apparently perpetrated by my entire family ! - I will try to cover ONLY the facts I Know - not speculate , accuse , or disclose more information than allowed in a police investigation . I can remember things in bits and pieces right now , so I will send along what I can best sort out. I had reported to my DV councilor that my mother had been flagging =- she was spreading rumors regarding myself , and stalking me . After a month of avoidance , she visited me on a saturday and kept me all day shopping , no purchases , the following sunday , she took me to breakfast . When I went to 'do' my pills ( I use a four time weekly planner ) , I found that the Lamotrigine had unusual (white ) mixed in it ( pink ) . I used the pink pills I'm used to ; uncertain why . My mother came back the following tuesday , on account of my birthday , She intended to leave saturday (she did ) ; on a trip to [deleted] to visit my sister . the next morning at AM meds ; I was shocked to find my meds had been tampered with . She has been the only person to visit , except for [deleted] rents man , repo ing my computer ( that comes later ) . I carefully removed ALL of the pills from my planner , did a med count (sort ) and found five pills that appeared to be the weird white ones i had found in the lamotrigine . So , I had removed all the apparently out of place / unknown pills in a diabetic test strip bottle . I soon found that my entire bottle of lamotrigine had gone missing - wednesday morning . I had a lot on my mind , and the tampered pills had remained on my table since then . Thus , I ran out of Lamotrigine last friday . I had to sell my vaccum cleaner to get a replacement bottle (long story there ) . I had only missed one dose on friday morning Also , my student aid was due aug 17th - it did not come in . I worked with fin aid councilling six times , and visited the website every day ( yes , it was a hellish trial ) ; when if finally did arrive , it was only half . the other half comes oct 23 rd . I owed 4000 to [deleted] college where I am taking social work for transfer U of [deleted], and I took out of state tuition this semester . My balance due was lowered to 1200 .. I took Wednesday , thursday , and friday off last week to deal with every means available with this . no luck . no hope AND I purchasded a nice computer at [deleted] earier this siummer . i went in to make my sept payment , sept 3rd , and the clerk charged of 92 dollars off my direct debit card . Direct deposit debit is owned and controlled by SSA . I was surprised to find the 92 had been debited , but [deleted] insisted they had not been paid . I finally (after an unendurable mass hysteria ) ; las thusday they came and took it , after 2 weeks late (didn't get 30 days ) and appealing to the nanager . thus , friday of last week again , anyone counting stress points ? i called the police and called the DD card to CANCEL a compromised account . Surprisingly , I got through to a human operator ( I never did before , ) and we pulled the charge (dispute / still pending . The clerk had sent the 92 dollars intended as payment , swiped at the store , his id number , to a girlfriend in [deleted] . They are both friends of my sister , and where mom is visiting right now . an arrest was made ??? at [deleted] . I had complained to my dv councillor and others about the tampering , and my moms escalations . somehow , there was a search , after numerous other complaints ( not listed ) that she had ( I was told this , she had been questioned and released ) and then flew to [deleted] . My brother and his wife , who evicted me a year and a half ago , who i have not spoken to since , sent me a card - There is a gaggle of monks , it reads ," The silent monks of the Carthusian monastery would like to wish you a happy birthday ." I have not been able to verify but was told they exclusively do funerary services . ( dark humor ? ) and a friend hd mentioned poison control . I called poison control concerning the strange white pills , the operator told me to tender it to the police . Went to [deleted] and [deleted] [deleted] police station , spoke to d a desk operator . did a report for an hour . I identified four kinds - i knew - and there were 3 left . [ The above letter is from a middle-aged man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia - the "bearded lady" disease . Please also refer to Impressions # 65. ]
65. On September 24, 2009 at 2:42pm, [name deleted] wrote: Dear Michael, I'm embarrassed to tell you I still haven't read your book but I want to and I will. I am trying to figure out what I can do to help my son. My other son and I have tried to get a Power of Attorney to have [name deleted] committed for evaluation but [name deleted] has refused our help and accuses us of all kinds of things. You previously suggested that I write a book documenting all these crazy e-mail letters I receive from him. I have saved them all but don't begin to know how to make sense out of it. Yesterday I received another rambling letter with all kinds of stories that he must believe are true but they aren't. He didn't send the letter to me but to many other people and one of them forwarded it to me. I'd like to forward what he wrote because I'm hoping you can suggest what I should do about it. We (the family) fear him and don't really know what he's capable of. He goes to doctors and counselors but he tells them he's transgender and that is causing all these problems. The truth of the matter is that he's schizophrenic. He takes all kinds of medicine including hormones and other things for women. There is just too much to say and maybe you don't want to even respond which is understandable. I'll forward what he wrote just in case. Thanks again and best wishes, [name deleted for privacy reasons]
64.
Freud makes an early reference in his "Three Contributions to the Theory of Sex" in which there is offered the hypothesis that the development of female sexuality contains important variations from that of the male in that the center of interest must shift in the pattern from the clitoris to the vagina - the clitoris and the penis having similar likeness, the vagina being the typically female organ. Further light is shed from later writings on the "castration complex" and "penis envy" in women, and the possibility of problems arising in the female as a result of physiological differences receives attention. In brief, the psychic developmemt of woman must undergo an adjustment similar to that in the physiological realm if she is to attain adulthood.
63.
In April a despairing mother in America wrote to Freud for advice. A photostat of Freud's reply has been published, [22] but with permission I am repeating his letter here as an example of his kindness in doing what he could to help a stranger even when he was occupied with his own suffering. She herself had sent the letter anonymously to Dr. Kinsey with this note: "Herewith I enclose a letter from a great and good man which you may retain. From a grateful mother."
April 9, 1935 Dear Mrs...
62.
heydumbassyouhadacrushoneveryteacheringradeschool
61.
Mike, I was incapacitated for 18 months after my horrific fall from
my deck 5 years ago. I never knew it all those years but I was
suffering from chronic depression and when I suffered my back injury on
December 18, 2003 by that chiropractor who accidentally adjusted me
on my lower back where I had my back surgery it was just too much pain to
bear. For nine weeks until February 22, 2004 I was unable to
get any relief and could not sit in a chair for more than 45 seconds
without crushing the nerves coming out of my lower spine which was
collapsed at the L4-5, I couldn't sleep for days until I would fall
asleep in the most excruciating pain but totally exhausted I might
get 2 or 3 hours of "sleep" and eventually went delirious
day after day on all the Vicodin and flexoral the MDs kept telling me
to take in increasing quantities. I would struggle to get to
the doctors office where they told me there was nothing they could do
but "pain management". At 3 am in the morning of February
22, 2004 I launched over my deck 28 feet from the ground. I do
not remember being on my deck and deciding to "DIVE". The
doctors tell me this is very common and the mind blocks the
event in a self protective manner. (I do have flashbacks
but not as many as before) At the time of the accident I
was on 8 Vicodin and 4 or 5 Flexoral a day.
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